Today was not good.  I wrote a previous post, but I deleted it because it really wasn't fair or nice at all.  I was just fed up with stuff.  So I skipped my Psych class today and went to see a movie.  Then I went to pick up Leah.

We sat together at the kitchen table and she read me a story.  And as she spoke, I watched her.  The way she would giggle this tiny little laugh when she was amused or when she made a mistake.  The way she made up the story because she can't read yet, but she can remember most of it.  Her little voice telling me her version of what it says.  The tips of her fingers turning white becaus the book was too heavy for her to hold upright, but she did it anyhow.  Her little nose and the way it crinkles when she laughs.  And her eyes as they dart back and forth, searching out the pictures, and then locking with mine to be sure I was listening and understood.  Suddenly all of the bad things that happened today just melted away and they weren't important anymore.  All that mattered was Leah and I and our story.

Then we got home and I started reflecting on our past together and thinking about our future.  It hasn't been easy for us.  I've dealt with a lot of guilt, working so much and trying to raise her properly.  I often doubt the job that I'm doing, but really...I'm just wingin' it.  I know I'm doing my best, but how do I know if it's good enough?  I still feel kind of cheated out of the whole "parenthood" experience.  I've already missed so much, and we'll never have those years back. 

I was working on the computer and she came up to me and stood there until I looked at her.  Then she told me that it was time for my first hug, and hugged me.  "Mommy?  I love you so much."  is something said to me every day.  And it's something said back to her every day.  Sometimes I don't want her to grow up.  I don't want to ever lose her, in any way.  Someday, there won't be any more requests for mommy to play with her.  Someday there won't be those sponteous hugs, or the I love you's for no reason.   

But I think that today, I am the luckiest person in the world.  Not every house has the blessings that we do.  We've been all we had at times.  We've gotten each other through tough times and been there for each other when no one else was.  When one is sad, the other comforts.  Somehow, we were all each other really needed. 

The miracle of having children doesn't end at birth.  It keeps on, and it is more precious, more moving and stronger every day.  The power that little girl has to make me smile when I'm blue is amazing.  So, I realized that my bad day wasn't so bad after all.