Well once again, the usually straight arrow of life has take on an unforseen shift.  Unexplainable and weird. 

What's it all for?  I sit here in the dark and evaluate everything that's happened to me in the last three months.  Everything has changed and I have to wonder why.  I had a good job.  Things were coming together for me, finally.  Why is it that I felt I had to dump my whole way of life in exchange for uncertianty?  Is it because I have my eye on a prize?  Maybe it was for Leah.  Maybe it was only for me.  Sacrificing financial security and all that in exchange for my own education.  Is it only my sacrifice or is it Leah's too.  Did I have the right to make that choice for her?  How about my family?  Should I have stayed crouched at my mothers feet eating her table scraps just so that Leah could have her in her life or did I do the right thing by standing up to her and ruining any kind of relationship that Leah might have had with her?  What right did I have to do that?  What right do I ever have to do that?  Every time I stand up for what I think is right, I am struck by those who don't seem to realize that my thoughts and beliefs are just as valid and important as theirs.  They sow the seeds of self-doubt.

I am ambitious.  That much is pretty clear.  But why do I have such a restlessness in me?  What does it all amount to?  Self-satisfaction I suppose.  Improved quality of life...in the end.  Really.  But what is there for us in the end anyway?  Everything I've done so far, thinking that it's all for something, could possibly be for nothing at all.  In the end, isn't it just a race to the finish?  Then what?  It's all just a big fucking game, isn't it?  Sometimes I wonder why all the bother. 

I fight oppression, and "fight" is the only appropriate word, but why?  Wouldn't it be easier and much less painless to just go with the flow and blindly accept what is given to you?  Every time I have an original idea or say or do something that isn't agreed upon by others, I am treated like the one who is in the wrong.  I am the one who is judged.  What about you?  I don't judge you for your thoughts or oppinions or feelings.  They are what they are, and I would expect the same respect back.  But I get..."Ummm, O-kay then." and a wierd look.  I mean...what the fuck?  Can't people get it through their heads that not everyone is alike?  Not everyone thinks the same as you do. 

Maybe I should, but I can't seem to shut my mouth.  I can't bring myself to become a mindless little bag of flesh in a sea of mindless little bags of flesh, following the leader like a bunch of cattle.  I am me, and if you don't fucking like it, you just let me know.  Isn't this everyone's right?  Isn't this what makes up the diversity of the world?  I'm tired of being told or treated like I'm wrong.  I'm not wrong for giving a shit and making my voice heard.  Neither are you, and those who have the nerve to say something like that to another person should take a good look at themselves.  Or perhaps I'm just being selfish again.  I've been accused of that for voicing my concerns before. 

Some of you are wondering where this is all coming from.  It doesn't really matter.  I'm angry and frustrated and tired of being played with, and this is my stinking blog and I'll write whatever I want.  I'll be back when I'm in a better mood.

Conformity is tiresome. 
Do not judge, lest ye be judged, puny lemming!!