Well, last night my mother came over to pick up her computer.  Funny how she calls me once in 6 months, and it's to ask me to fix her computer.  We had the biggest fight we've ever had, and though I'm feeling a little bad for telling her, "fuck you very much", at the same time it's like a load off my shoulders. 

I've never spoken to her that way before.  Mostly out of fear for my life, but then after I grew up, I just wanted us to get along even though the nasty things had happened.  I know that most people think that I'm exagerating and that everyone had a rough childhood.  I'm not.  She was a very mean, selfish and hateful person, and things haven't changed. 

I wanted her approval so badly.  I always have, but I know now that I'll never get it.  It's disheartening when you're parents watch you struggle through an abusive childhood, all the while telling you that you're nothing and always will be nothing.  It makes a person strive to be better, to exceed everyone's expectations.  Someday I'll make her see, I thought.  Someday she might even be proud of me.  All she ever did was judge me and hurt me and my daughter.  I'm done being her punching bag.

Things have been coming to a head for years.  Needless to say, the evening ended with her stormning out, calling me a bitch, and me telling her not to let the door hit her ass on the way out.  I didn't sleep well.  I know life will get better from here on out, but it still stings a bit, you know?  She IS still my mother.  I'm so disappointed in her, as I've always been.  She'll probably write me out of her will now, because that's the way she is hurt by others, and that's the way she'll try to hurt me.  That's all cool though.  It was never money that I needed from her anyhow. 

I feel badly for Leah.  And I feel sorry for my sad excuse for a mother.  I don't imagine she likes herself very much since she no longer speaks to her mother, her father, her daughter, or her son.  Sometimes her brothers will speak to her, and I suppose that must make her feel better about being such an asshole.

I'm done with this now.