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This is my adopted goth fetus named "Cringe". Hooray fetus!
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| Takin' out the trash |
| 06.16.04 (7:24 am) [edit] |
As I was busily making supper last night, I happened to glance over to the corner where I had accumulated a weeks worth of pizza boxes, papers, bottles and other assorted junk along side the garbage can. Impressive, though this display was, it was also beginning to interfere with my daily activities. So, it was quickly decided, after I had accidentally kicked a bottle across the room and put my foot through a pizza box, just before being buried by a mass of falling papers, that this mess could not be allowed to remain.
I dutifully packaged everything within a black plastic garbage bag. Dilligently emptying every garbage in the house and finally tying up my package and setting it by the door.
I grabbed my bug spray, machetti, elephant gun and grappling hook. Lets not forget the amazing swiss army knife and a two-day supply of rations. I had fashioned a comfortable loop in the handle of the garbage bag so that I could fit my hand in and drag it behind me. In short order, I was ready to go.
I opened the back door and stepped outside. The urban air was cool, and the tropical scents of the rainforest in front of me was both sweet and unsettling. I had not laid eyes on this phenomenon in quite some time. It had grown significantly in the last three days. I was glad that I had my machette with me.
With a deep sigh, I drew near to the dense wall of growth. Raising my arm high in the air, I took my first swipe. The blade bit into the foliage with a satisfying crunching sound. Perhaps this wouldn't be that tough. After all, it was only 100 feet or so to my destination. Piece of cake. Or so I thought.
I was off to a very fast start. My awesome strength was parting the gigantic growth like a hot knife through butter. Soon I heard voices. I stopped cold and listened. I heard people shouting. Activating Quietus, I stealthily sneaked up on them.
My eyes widened in surprise to see a family there. They were living in the rusted out shell of a wood paneled station wagon! Out in the small clearing in front, they had made a great fire and had a small child turning a spit upon which a pig was skewered. His small, dirty face locked in a mask of effort as he turned the handle over and over.
Feeling sorry for the tyke, I whispered to him from my concealment. "Psst. Psst, hey kid...come here." The child looked in my direction and slowly drew nearer. I knew that the growth was so dense that he could not see me, so I simply shoved my hand through the curtian of foliage in an attemt to offer a chocolate bar that I had taken from my rations.
The little boy reached out his hand slowly, his eyes searching for my face and, unable to find it, locked upon the chocolatey treasure that was being thrust out to him. I felt his little hands close about my wrist and then he....BIT ME! I yelped in pain and surprise and tried to yank my hand back, but he would not let go and I was caught off balance. I helplessly tumbled into the clearing and came to a stop with my face firmly planted into the soft, damp earth.
Suddenly, a sharp pain in my calf caused me to shriek and jerk my head up. I saw that the parents of this little demon were rushing to see what the commotion was...and they were armed!! To my left, I saw three more grubby little hellions sprinting toward me. Their eyes mad with a hungry frenzy, drool dripping from their jowels. I jumped up and kicked out to dislodge this little canibal from my leg. He fell back onto his rump and was already starting to get to his feet by the time I took aim with my elephant gun.
I fired. The warning shot echoed through the air and I was helpless against the satisfied grin that overtook my face as I saw that kid jump two feet into the air, a look of utter shock on his face, and high-tail it through the grass. I watched the parents hastily follow the others and I listened quietly as I heard the click of the back gate as it shut behind them.
After dressing my wounds and gorging myself on roasted pig, I continued on my journey. It was not long before I reached the boundaries. I opened the back gate and was ejected into the alley. My bag, which I still had in tow, was ripped in places, but still largely intact. With a mighty heave, I tossed into the refuse bin. Satisfied with a job well done, I returned to my yard.
The treck home should have been smooth sailing, as the trail had already been blazed. Half way back, I stopped cold as I heard a deep, gutteral growl. I could not move. I heard a low rustling of something moving just out of sight. Hidden within the huge stalks. The hair rose on the back of my neck and my breath caught in my throat.
Slowly, I unslung my grappling hook and began to swing it in huge arcs. Faster and faster until finally, I loosed it into the air where it fastened itself around a jutting limb. I used it to climb my way to a nice, high, comfortable position and there I waited.
It was dawn when I awoke. There was a low drone in the distance. Looking down, my eyes bulged to see the biggest feline ever! It was sitting at the base of the plant that I was in, looking hungrily at me. Its eyes never moving from mine. I shuddered and caused the dew to drip from the leaves of my "tree?" and rain down upon that kitty. But it never moved in inch.
So, locked in this precarious stalemate, I waited. Every so often I would gaze off to the right, where my gun had been carelessly dropped in my haste to evade this predator, and wish that I had had more presence of mind. What a prize this would have been! Who would believe this without proof?
The droning sound became louder and more insistant. Hope began to bloom in my heart as I saw the distant foliage move and quake. Something was approaching. I could see the cat's nervousness grow as the noise got louder. There was a loud crack and the cat jumped up suddenly, forgetting about its prey. It darted off toward the gate and disappeared from view.
As the noise grew louder still, I remained hidden from this new, potential danger. I watched intently as the wall of foliage parted and the nose of a lawn mower poked through. It was followed by a man who stopped in the small path that I had made with my machetti. I made a noise to attract his attention so that I might see his face, and there, smiling up at me was...
PAPI!!! Papi had saved me!
After having been returned safely to the house and being fed warm apple pie, we both agreed that perhaps the lawn shoud be mown every week.
:P
[LINE]
| How to make a SNEEVIL |
Ingredients:
5 parts intelligence
3 parts self-sufficiency
3 parts instinct |
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
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posted by: James (reply)
post date: 06.16.04 (12:00 pm)
Bah, mercy?!
Anyway, I must comment on your tale but can not do so due to the fact that I am at work. Still it will come...oh yes, it will come.
posted by: SNEEVIL (reply)
post date: 06.16.04 (1:14 pm)
Reply to: James
Errr?
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