Well once again, the usually straight arrow of life has take on an unforseen shift.  Unexplainable and weird. 

What's it all for?  I sit here in the dark and evaluate everything that's happened to me in the last three months.  Everything has changed and I have to wonder why.  I had a good job.  Things were coming together for me, finally.  Why is it that I felt I had to dump my whole way of life in exchange for uncertianty?  Is it because I have my eye on a prize?  Maybe it was for Leah.  Maybe it was only for me.  Sacrificing financial security and all that in exchange for my own education.  Is it only my sacrifice or is it Leah's too.  Did I have the right to make that choice for her?  How about my family?  Should I have stayed crouched at my mothers feet eating her table scraps just so that Leah could have her in her life or did I do the right thing by standing up to her and ruining any kind of relationship that Leah might have had with her?  What right did I have to do that?  What right do I ever have to do that?  Every time I stand up for what I think is right, I am struck by those who don't seem to realize that my thoughts and beliefs are just as valid and important as theirs.  They sow the seeds of self-doubt.

I am ambitious.  That much is pretty clear.  But why do I have such a restlessness in me?  What does it all amount to?  Self-satisfaction I suppose.  Improved quality of life...in the end.  Really.  But what is there for us in the end anyway?  Everything I've done so far, thinking that it's all for something, could possibly be for nothing at all.  In the end, isn't it just a race to the finish?  Then what?  It's all just a big fucking game, isn't it?  Sometimes I wonder why all the bother. 

I fight oppression, and "fight" is the only appropriate word, but why?  Wouldn't it be easier and much less painless to just go with the flow and blindly accept what is given to you?  Every time I have an original idea or say or do something that isn't agreed upon by others, I am treated like the one who is in the wrong.  I am the one who is judged.  What about you?  I don't judge you for your thoughts or oppinions or feelings.  They are what they are, and I would expect the same respect back.  But I get..."Ummm, O-kay then." and a wierd look.  I mean...what the fuck?  Can't people get it through their heads that not everyone is alike?  Not everyone thinks the same as you do. 

Maybe I should, but I can't seem to shut my mouth.  I can't bring myself to become a mindless little bag of flesh in a sea of mindless little bags of flesh, following the leader like a bunch of cattle.  I am me, and if you don't fucking like it, you just let me know.  Isn't this everyone's right?  Isn't this what makes up the diversity of the world?  I'm tired of being told or treated like I'm wrong.  I'm not wrong for giving a shit and making my voice heard.  Neither are you, and those who have the nerve to say something like that to another person should take a good look at themselves.  Or perhaps I'm just being selfish again.  I've been accused of that for voicing my concerns before. 

Some of you are wondering where this is all coming from.  It doesn't really matter.  I'm angry and frustrated and tired of being played with, and this is my stinking blog and I'll write whatever I want.  I'll be back when I'm in a better mood.

Conformity is tiresome. 
Do not judge, lest ye be judged, puny lemming!!

It was a very late Halloween night.  JK and I were arguing about something trivial when I looked out the window into my front yard where some of my halloween decorations consisted of plywood cut outs of crazy looking hillbillies.  One had the face cut out, like the things you see in Niagara falls.  You stick your head in there and snap a picture.  I gasped to see that the hole was not empty.  There was a dirty, leering, lunatic face grinning out from it.  If I didn't know any better, my eyes would have passed over it without even noticing that anything was wrong, it looked just like it belonged there. 

The other cut out was of another hillbilly.  This one was missing an arm as well as a face.  Again, the holes were not empty.  The face laughed with mischevious glee while his plaid covered arm swung in wide arcs, seeming to invite me to come closer. 

I was very concerned about having these people in my yard and was avidly watching them from my window.  JK seemed unconcerned.  He thought it was just some kids playing around.  Maybe he was right. 

We continued our conversation for some time.  The next time I looked out the window, the men were gone.  I opened my front door and gasped when I saw the two men standing on either side of my front gate.  Both wore trenchcoats and one had shoulder length hair.  Both men were armed with rifles.  Neither man moved.  They just stood there motionless, silhouetted by the street lights behind them, staring at the house...staring at me.

"Don't freak out, I'll go talk to them." JK told me.  "I dont' know if you should, they're armed." I said.  JK went out and closed the screen door behind him.  "Don't worry." he said with a smile, and decended the steps toward the men.  As soon as he was within range, the man with the long hair raised his rifle and smashed it into the side of JK's head.  He dropped like a stone.  The other man moved aside to reveal a young woman kneeling on the ground behind him.  He lifted her to her feet and dragged her into the yard where he forced her down again.  The man with the long hair expertly threw a knife at him and he caught it in his free hand.  He then brought it to the woman's throat.  I could hear the girl whimpering and the quiet taunts of the man holding the knife. 

I grabbed my phone which was nearby, and dialed 911.  A man with an accent answered the phone and I didn't understand what he said.  I didn't care.  My state of mind was only revolving around getting help.  It didn't matter from who.  I started talking, telling him what was going on in the front yard.  What happened to JK.  I told the man that I was so scared for the young girl.  All the while, the men in the yard continued having their fun.  They genuinely seemed to be enjoying themselves.  Neither one made any attempt to enter the house, though they both knew I was there, and presumably could hear me talking into the phone.

Finally, the squeak of the gate made me look up to see a third man walking up.  He was dark skinned and had dark curly hair.  The other two dropped what they were doing and together they started advancing toward the door.  I quickly shut the security door and bolted it, but I jumped at the thunderous thud when they tried to break it in.  I saw the door buckle inward just a fraction and I knew that I didn't have much time.  I ran to the back door and peered out the window.  There were three more people standing out there, all women, holding pistols and knives.  Jen McV was one of them. 

My daughter was sleeping on the couch.  I grabbed her up and fled down the stairs to the basement.  In the laundry room, there is a small cubby hole with a dirt floor and two doors.  One entering into the house and the other, on the other side, exiting outside.  I put my daughter in there with a blanket and her favourite teddy, and told her to be very quiet.  No matter what happens, be quiet as a mouse.

That's when I woke up. 

Analysis anyone??

Self-Analysis:

I believe that this dream has everything to do with my relationship with my mother.  I stand in my house, the place where my morals and beliefs reside (my home) and observe the scene through one open door and one closed, trying to guage how to react yet unwilling to enter the situation until, finally, it comes breaking down my door.  The figures in the dark reflect that I am not clear about some things, that I recognize that there are some things that need to have some light shed upon them.  The rifles, knives and guns represent hate.  Horrible anger, which I do harbour when it comes to this subject, but which is also used against me from a distance in hur ting someone important to me.  It may also signify my fear of that outside hate causing the removal of someone important in my life. The man with the long hair represents something that has been thought about for a very long time, and the fact that it was uncombed indicates that I need to re-evaluate or think things over.  My inability to speak up to her or say anything for fear of her wrath is represented very well by the girl with the knife to her throat.  The significance of the man's arm in the cutout, is her power to reach out and do things.  The unintelligent, dirty, disheveled appearance of the men say a lot about how I think of those opposing parties and their intelligence and mindless want to hurt someone.  Also, the fact that they wait until they are joined by reinforcements before trying to come after me, speaks of their low self confidence and they must wait for reassurance from a similarily minded person before they are willing to risk proceeding.  Unwanted intrusion into the yard is an invasion of privacy, time, space or lifestile and my need to do something about this.  The front yard is open to criticism and public opinion.  The people in the back yard represent my fear of being hurt behind the scenes by trusted people who may be family, cutting off my last line of safe retreat and trapping us.  It is much less open public opinion and not so visible to others.  I hide Leah in the basement laundry room in an attempt to protect or remove her from the surface situation, before she gets hurt, into the foundation and from there try to make the best of what we have, clean up our attitudes and washing away our problems. 

Last night, I decided to get my yard cleaned up and ready for the imminent raking of the leaves.  Now, this idea had already crossed my mind a few times, and every time, something unfortunate would happen to prevent my progress.  The first time, I was mowing the lawn and when I was trying to navigate around the swing set (very tricky), I ran over my electrical cord. 

Well, that caused the most severe procrastination, since completion of a task that I didn't really want to do in the first place would now involve spending twenty bones that could be better spent elsewhere.  But, finally...after weeks of painstakingly snipping the back half of the yard with the pruner whenever it got to frightening lengths, I spent the money and bought the damned cord. 

So there the cord sat...for another two weeks.  In the meantime, I was also busy procrastinating about cleaning up the pool and putting it away.  We didn't get much use out of it this year, and if you could hear my voice as I say that, you'd get covered in the bitterness dripping from it.  The pool was pretty neglected, which is to say, it had many dead, green, algae covered things in it.  I was NOT looking forward to cleaning that sucker up.  But finally we got a day that was decently warm and I thought I'd better do it because I might not get another chance like this.  So out we went.  It was a muddy, wet, fungus covered job, but it got done.  So I left it hanging up, draped over Leah's swing set so that it could dry before I pack it up for the winter. 

Then it rained.  And the next day it rained again.  For practically a week straight, it rained every day, and that pool just sat out there waiting for someone to come and steal it.  Then, yesterday, the heavens smiled down and I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer. 

After putting away the "hell pool", I went on poop patrol.  Leah did a great job of not listening to me when I told her to play in the other side of the yard, and enthusiastically squished all the poop into the ground to make it disgustingly difficult to pick it out of the grass.  I love it when she helps.

Then, finally, the cord.  Yep, I finally did it.  The lawn has been mowed.  It was an experience, that's for sure.  After that, I finally replaced the window that my would be burgler broke over the July long weekend.  Yeah, I've been putting that off too.  I think I've finally got things under control now.  Just a few "touch ups", like painting Jake's dog house, and we'll be done.

Today was pretty cool. 

English was just that...English.  Wow.  I managed to get my reading done before class, so that worked out okay.

Then I had my first Biology lab!!!  Yay!  I worked a microscope...hehehe.  So, I prepared my slide of Euchariotic cells obtained from the inside of my right cheek and carefully slid it into place.  Focus....focus...adjust the light...THERE!!  I see you little guys!!  All dyed blue, there they were, smiling up at me. 

So I then adjusted the power and took a closer look.  I was taken aback to see that them little fuckers were armed!  Yeah, they had little knives and nunchuks and stuff.  Some were goths and some were ninjas.  Others were little bikers, even.  "RIGHT ON!" I yelled out.  Of course I blushed when everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at me.  At the same time, I have never been prouder. 

Adjust the power and look closer....I watched in facination as one of them little biker cells pulled out a '45 from his holster and blew away a mime cell.  Whoot!!!  I didn't know they were packin' heat!  The mime cell fell, engulfed in his death throes.  That's when an evil little clown cell popped out of nowhere and started jumping up and down on him.  You could see that the mime cell was in agony, but it did not make a single sound.  The horrible clown cell just laughed and laughed as he used the mime cell as a trampoline.

Then the ninjas hopped in the fray and started beating the clown cell all to hell.  He wasn't laughing for long.  That rocks!  I hate clown cells!!  The biker cells were not to be outdone, since they were the tough, burly cells on the slide, so they started fuckin' with the ninja cells and all hell broke loose!  When it was all over, every cell was dead, the goth cells having killed themselves.  All that was left were little cell harleys and cytoplasm covered nunchuks. 

I'm in a better mood now.  :)

Well, last night my mother came over to pick up her computer.  Funny how she calls me once in 6 months, and it's to ask me to fix her computer.  We had the biggest fight we've ever had, and though I'm feeling a little bad for telling her, "fuck you very much", at the same time it's like a load off my shoulders. 

I've never spoken to her that way before.  Mostly out of fear for my life, but then after I grew up, I just wanted us to get along even though the nasty things had happened.  I know that most people think that I'm exagerating and that everyone had a rough childhood.  I'm not.  She was a very mean, selfish and hateful person, and things haven't changed. 

I wanted her approval so badly.  I always have, but I know now that I'll never get it.  It's disheartening when you're parents watch you struggle through an abusive childhood, all the while telling you that you're nothing and always will be nothing.  It makes a person strive to be better, to exceed everyone's expectations.  Someday I'll make her see, I thought.  Someday she might even be proud of me.  All she ever did was judge me and hurt me and my daughter.  I'm done being her punching bag.

Things have been coming to a head for years.  Needless to say, the evening ended with her stormning out, calling me a bitch, and me telling her not to let the door hit her ass on the way out.  I didn't sleep well.  I know life will get better from here on out, but it still stings a bit, you know?  She IS still my mother.  I'm so disappointed in her, as I've always been.  She'll probably write me out of her will now, because that's the way she is hurt by others, and that's the way she'll try to hurt me.  That's all cool though.  It was never money that I needed from her anyhow. 

I feel badly for Leah.  And I feel sorry for my sad excuse for a mother.  I don't imagine she likes herself very much since she no longer speaks to her mother, her father, her daughter, or her son.  Sometimes her brothers will speak to her, and I suppose that must make her feel better about being such an asshole.

I'm done with this now.

My imagination is on holidays.  I have never felt so uncreative. 

Why is it that when there is no preassure, I can come up with the coolest ideas and stuff, but as soon as something is REQUIRED of me, it all goes to shit?  Dammit!

I wish I was knitting mittens.  

I hate cloudy skies and rain.  I don't like the way it makes my hair kinky.  Kink is good in moderation, but not when it's in your hair.  Hairy kink...hehehe.  K-I-N-K-Y.  Like my imagination.  I need to iron it out.   

I think I must sleep in the arts lounge.   Do not disturb happy fun ball.

Last night I got to go over to Mark's to play...dun dun dun....MUNCHKIN FU!!  Oh, it was much fun!  Then we played Zombies until I couldn't hold my head up any longer. 

Today, I'm working.  Again.  Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make Caitilin's shower tonight.  That kinda sucks. 

Anyhow, I got my first English essay assignment yesterday.  I'm really looking forward to this one because the grade will give me some idea of where I am and where I need to go.  I'm full of ideas.  I think my biggest problem with essay writing is the mechanics of it.  What goes where and how, you know.  So, for all of you English majors out there, Sneevil might just have to enlist your oppinions on a few things.

I finally heard from my brother yesterday, which was really cool.  I've been thinking about him a lot.  He was just in the hospital and is now on his way to recovery.  I lost track of him and didn't know how to reach him, which always worries me...heh.  Anyhow, he's thinking about coming down for Christmas!!!  YAY!  It'll be cool because with Christmas holidays, I'll actually be able to spend some time with him.  Leah will be gone with her Dad on Boxing Day, for a week, so we'll actually get to do some grown up things too.  And, given the current state of my relationship with my mother and step-father, sibling shenanigans would be most welcome. 

If he doesn't come see me, maybe I'll actually be able to go visit him.  I suppose we'll have to see how it pans out. 

That's about it! 

Heydee ho dudes.
Yesterday was finally warm enough to take down and clean the pool.  What a F***ing job!!!  Leah and I each had a measily piece of leftover chicken, then we were outside, knee deep in algae riddled water.  Mmmm, nice.  It took me about three hours to empty the pool, hang it up overtop of Leah's swing set and scrub the whole thing down, inside and out.  We never really did eat supper, but we were too exhausted to care. 

Then, I decided that since it wasn't raining for a change, I should pick up all the dog poop in the yard.  Dear God!  Dog poop is supposed to dry out so that its easy to pick up, isn't it?  That was the most disgusting thing I've ever done.  It was all mushy and hard to grab and stinky and stuff.  Ewwwww!  But, I perservered and completed the task.  YAY! 

By the time we were done, Leah and I were both complete messes.  She was covered in mud from head to toe since it was only dirt under the pool, and when we emptied it, we completely flooded the entire back yard. 

Oooh, gotta go.  Fire alarm is going off.

Sometimes random thoughts or ideas enter my head.  If they are good ones, I can't get them out.  They haunt me and are in the back of my thoughts all the time until I finally crack and do something about them. 

I was cleaning one day and came across my wool collection.  I thought to myself, "I feel like knitting something."  So, ever since then, my subconscious has been trying to come up with something to make.  Then, I saw a movie in which there was a lady with one of those really really long fuzzy scarves.  The little lightbulb was lit.

So, I went to Walmart (I know, I know...the Devil) not with the intention of buying anything, just returning stuff.  But as I walked toward the mall exit,  I was inexplicably pulled toward the craft area.  I didn't really know why I was going there until I found myself staring at a huge wall, lined with balls of wool.  So, I searched and hunted for the perfect scarf-building material.  Then I found it.  It was on sale too!!  What luck!  I bought two balls of navy blue fuzzy yarn.

That night, I searched and hunted all over the house for my knitting needles.  Uttering a triumphant whoop when I finally found them, I fell to the couch clutching my precious wool to my bosom.  Then, like a woman posessed, I began to knit. 

Now, knitting is a nice thing to do.  It is a quiet hobby that ultimately produces something useful.  A sweater, dishcloth, sock...almost anything that you knit can be used for something.  The thing about MY knitting, is it's more than just a hobby.  I don't knit because I particularily enjoy it, although I do enjoy it sometimes and it is horribly addictive.  I knit because I want the end product.  I really really want that scarf. 

So, the result of all this is me...sitting on my couch in 8 hour increments for 5 days straight, knitting my ass off!!  There is no time for friends or food.  There is only enough time for bathroom breaks and movie changing.  I just HAVE to knit!!  I know that in 3 days, I will have the nicest scarf ever, but this behavior borders on obsessive. 

Finally, after the scarf is made, I know what will happen.  That's when the compusion ends, but I'll want matching mittens.  I'll start on them damned mittens, but I'll be so sick of knitting by then that the effort will be half-hearted.  Maybe I'll complete one and start the second, but by then, a new idea will have entered my head.  One that haunts my subconscious until I finally do something about it.  That's when I end up with a nice scarf, and a matching mitten.  And one mitten that will never get finished.

Well, now that I've informed you all about my strange neurotic compulsions, feel free to form your own oppinions.  You probably can't tell me anything that I don't already know though.  Sigh...if I could bring my knitting to work, I'd be doing it right now.

So, what has SNEEVIL been up to?

After three days of orientation (I was kinda bitter about having to be there on a holiday while all my friends got to go to the lake), classes began on Wednesday.  I'm totally looking forward to my English class.  Biology is going to be a challenge, I can see that right now...but I think I'll be fine.  I really love the subject, and most of the material that we'll be covering is stuff I remember from grade 12, so it shouldn't be too bad.  Hehehe...I get to buy a dissection kit.  And lastly, Psychology.  I think I'm really going to enjoy that class as well.  The prof is really funny and personable.  I think her lectures are going to be a pleasure. 

So, Wednesday and Thursday were classes.  Our English prof already cancelled the Friday lecture, so I had the day off.  I took Leah to the daycare and then I went to buy a new backpack.  Then I went to see "The Villiage", which was okay.  After that, I met some people to see "Resident Evil".  It was pretty good, but I had issues with the graveyard scene.  

Anyhow, that's about it in a nutshell.  I see that Layne has come over to the Dark Side.  It's about time.  Check out "The Flip Side". 

That's it, kiddies.  I promise to write something a little more interesting soon.  I've just been running my butt off all week.  Not much time for creativity. 

Ciao!

Orientation...whew! 

Well, I'm officially a student!  YAY.  It's funny to sit there in the bowl and look around at everything and think that this is my next 4 years at least.  Never thought it'd happen.

So, yesterday we met up with our Ulive 101 coaches and classes.  I have a pretty nice group of people.  Most have been out of school for a few years and have kids and stuff, so I fit right in. 

We had a scavenger hunt...hehehe.  It was pretty fun.  Today we had a tour of the campus.  I think I know where all of my classes are, so that's cool.  We walked and walked and walked though.  For lunch, they had Dominos pizza.  It was CRAZY how many pizza boxes were stacked up on those tables.  I wish I'd had a camera!  So we hung out there for quite a while before the afternoon stuff started.

The afternoon was actually pretty boring.  Not much but being told the same stuff over and over again.  After that, we were rewarded by an hour and a half talk by Alvin Law.  Yay!  I fell asleep about 6 times.  I couldn't help it.  I mean, he had some great stuff to say, but most of it was very metaphorical and his stories went on and on.... 

My head hurts and I could use a nap.  More orientation tomorrow.

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray thee Lord
My life I'll keep

For there are monsters
As real as I
Who torture the children
Who see them die

They tear our lives
And maim our hearts
The strength of love
They blow apart

Suffer the children
They say in your name
Hiding behind you
They deliver ther pain


I think I might die
Before I wake
I pray thee Lord
My soul please take

In memory of all the little children who were murdered in Russia.

My prayers go to the families.  My God, what they are going through. 

Well, today is my last day of work. 

It's funny when your co-workers congratulate you on your last day, as if you're getting out of prison or something...heh.

I'm anxious and happy though.  I've gone through that "Scared Stupid" phase and now I'm on the home slide.  Everything is in order and there should be no problems for the next 8 months.  I just want to get the first week over with already so that I can get comfy and settle down.

I got to work late today.  HAHAHA!!!  Who cares?
I told the boss exactly what I see going on in the service department, 'cause it's not good.  HEE HEE HEE!!!  What's she gonna do to me?  I'm only trying to help, right?

I returned everything that I borrowed from people over the last two years, including a can of carpet cleaner that my boss lent me over a year ago.  I never did use it.  It just sat on top of my fridge for an entire year, being forgotten.

I'm ready to pack my stuff into a little box and take it all home.